Where House You Been?!

*emerging cautiously from the wilds of cyberspace*

I’ve been getting a few emails, demanding, “Where have you been?!” What folks should have been asking is, “Where house you been?!” Yeah, ok, that’s a terrible pun.

Well, when I last posted, the Non Stepford Family was on a house hunt. And it was HELL. I have a few posts coming to detail how terrible it truly was.

You know it’s not good when lifetime friends who are now stuck as family members (there is NO ESCAPE for them) sigh and say, “Only you. This could ONLY happen to you…”

It was Impism after Impism.

And I’ll get to that, I promise, but let’s just jump into the latest, shall we?

No, this isn't our house. But we can pretend it is.

No, this isn’t our house. But we can pretend it is.

So. We’re in our new house. Adjusting to the realities of being first time home owners, which seems to amount of a lot of panicked texts and calls from me to my friendfamily members, which they have a good laugh at my expense at. Basically, I’ve come to realize that home ownership, for the first time, is a LOT like having your first baby. Parents who’ve already been there, done that, smother a giggle or six at the naiveté of first time expectant parents, while reassuring them that all will be well.

Parents are assholes, I’ve come to admit. We don’t tell the TRUTH about baby/child raising until *after* someone has a newborn. Then we let all the horror out of the closet. I suspect it’s the ‘misery loves company’ idea.

Well, home owners do the same damn sneaky shit. They talk about how wonderful it is to own your own home, rhapsodizing about ‘planting roots’ and being Masters of your own domain. They neglect to mention about all the sneaky, insidious home repairs, renovations, and the million and three little details that have you waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, mumbling, “The house…oh dear GOD, the HOUSE!”

They don’t tell you that buying a house is like adding another kid…a more expensive kid…that will cost you money and sanity.

They don’t tell you that you WILL discover, after moving in, that you’re going to find little things that need tending to. Like, the shower head.

This was an actual conversation between Wolf and I. He was back at the rental we’d had, finishing up odds and sods, and cleaning.

Imp: I did caulking today. One handed.

Wolf: You did WHAT?!

Imp: Caulking. Around the shower head. So water couldn’t get behind the wall.


Apparently, Wolf had a moment of thinking I’d gotten to know at least one new neighbour a whole lot better than I ought to.

But, like a new parent, you, as a new home buyer, are all, “But I’m soooo glad we did it!!” Mostly because it’s too damn late to back out, and scream, “DO OVER!”

And we are. Glad, that is.

It’s an interesting thing, moving to a very small town. We figure that we increased the town’s population by about 10%, just by moving in, and have realized, due to the number of churches with accompanying graveyards, there are actually more people BELOW the ground here, than ABOVE it.

Our house is known to everyone as, “That house where the homeschoolers live.”

I knew we were something of an attraction less than two hours after we’d moved in.

The doorbell rang.

Honestly, I thought it was a clock chiming. We bought a lot of furniture with the house, and that included a kitchen clock, so I stood there, stupidly staring at it…not realizing there was someone at the door.

Come to discover, nope, it was the doorbell…and the fella at the door?

A priest. Wearing a collar.


I swear to you, the FIRST thought that ran through my head was, “We’ve been here less than two hours! They CAN’T be calling for an exorcism already!”

But, no. He came bearing a jug of apple cider, to welcome us to the town.

And suddenly I went from feeling like I had a role in the Exorcist, to feeling like I’d moved to Avonlea (that’s where Anne of Green Gables is located, for those who haven’t read the series. And WHY haven’t you read the series? It’s awesome! Go read it! My personal favourite is, “Anne of Ingleside” book #6 of the series). Seriously, a clergy member showing up with apple cider? That’s kinda awesome. And startling.

Which kinda sums up the whole, “We own a house!” thing. Awesome, and startling.



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