Way back when Diva was a wee thing, I remember standing in the aisles of a toy department completely baffled. Diva had just turned one, and I wanted to get her a doll for Christmas.
A saleswoman came up to me, and asked if she could help.
“Sure. Do you have any dolls here that DON’T do more than my one year old?”
Saleswoman looked at me blankly.
“Look. This one is potty training. This one reads. This one sings and dances. All I want is a pretty, cuddly doll. Vinyl, so that I can wipe it off, and not pry it away from her to toss in the wash. Got anything like that?”
She showed me one doll.
“It looks like it’s possessed. Its eyes are bugging out of its head, and it’s mouth is a gaping maw looking like it’s going to suck out my kid’s soul. Or at least eat her eyeballs. I get that for her, and BOTH of us are going to have nightmares.”
They didn’t have a doll. Seriously. Every doll either needed batteries, or looked like Rosemary’s Baby was the inspiration for it. One was finally found in a store out of town, by my grandmother.
Since then, I have to say I’m not terribly impressed with the majority of dolls on the market. With raising a Princess, I’ve reason to look, because she’s still playing with her dolls.
But every now and then, a doll comes on the market that outdoes what I thought was a bad idea before.
Like, this one.
First, I have to be honest, button for eyes dolls creep me right the heck out. I don’t know what it is about them, but they give me the complete willies. I think a part of me is convinced that they come to life at night, and are going to replace all our eyes with buttons. Or shriek because they don’t have eyes, and hold folks hostage until we find their missing eyes.
They’re creepy, ok?
But…hunt through a baby doll’s diaper for magic charms? Are you freaking kidding me? This is just wrong folks. All sorts of wrong. It’s pooping charms.
Too many parents have had to do the diaper scavenger hunt for a suspected swallowed item, now it’s being promoted as a ‘Woo hoo! Check da poop!” moment? Oh, and here’s a bracelet to put the pooped treasure on.
Nothing says fun playtime like digested and expelled charms! Yay! I notice they don’t mention washing it off after.
Maybe its just me, but even if it’s coming out of a doll’s butt, I’d be wanting to sterilize that sucker.
I’m trying to picture the grown up version here.
“Oh Maude, what a lovely charm bracelet!”
“Thank you, Esther! Every year for my birthday, my husband feeds our baby charms, and I get a lovely surprise at diaper changing time! Makes changing poopy butts so worthwhile!”
“What will you do when baby is potty trained?”
“Oh, Herbert’s already thought of that. He bought me one of those net scoops that you use to clean a fish tank. He’s so thoughtful!”
No. Just no, folks.
A baby’s diaper should never be a treasure hunt.
And I’m keeping a close eye on Princess…because if I catch her feeding jewellery to Cubby, we’re gonna have ourselves an Oopsie moment, indeed.