Hocus Pocus Hoo Ha

Magic Vagina. Voldemort Vag. Mag Vag. Hocus Pocus Hoo Ha.

Whatever you want to call it, I have one.

If you don’t believe me, ask my mother-in-law.

And, apparently, I’m not alone in this.

There is a legion of women who have enslaved their poor husbands by using their Hogwarts Hootchie. That seems to be at the root of all problems when it comes to their MILs. (And, that’s not to say men are completely exempt either. Every now and then there’s a claim of  the Magical Uni-Horn, the male version of the Mag Vag. Much more rare, however)

“He’s changed since you came along!” is the battle cry. Myself, I’ve been accused of poisoning my husband against his mother.

What I’ve never understood is that I thought it was normal for folks to change when they got married, and even more so when children came along. Priorities shift, as they’re meant to. Focus turns to their spouse, and their children. Why on Earth would anyone think that wouldn’t happen?

I’ve also heard the claim of, “She stole my son!” How, exactly, does that happen? Did the evil Daughter-in-law, wielder of the Mag Vag, potential Producer of Crotch Fruit (aka babies) sneak into the house one night, club the unsuspecting man, and he woke up to find himself unwillingly married? How does one steal a grown adult man by marrying him?

I think what baffles me most, however, isn’t just the spectre of having an enchanted orifice, even though I find myself wondering from time to time if it’s supposed to glitter, shine, or glow in the dark. No, possible illumination issues aside, what baffles me is, don’t these MILs realize how incredibly insulting they’re being to their sons?

Do they not realize that by accusing their DILs of being able to wield sex as a weapon and keep their husbands in line by their personal Torrid TARDIS, that they’re actually saying their sons are weak willed, and easily led? That they’re saying their own sons are so stupid, and so incapable of managing their own hormones that they’re being led around solely by their crotch?

Is it really that appalling, that their sons grew up and think differently than their mothers? Is it really that inconceivable that a grown adult man might not want to do everything the way his Mom did? That he has his own thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs?

Why is there a need to blame the interloper, the DIL, as being the source of the contention, and portraying their son as a helpless, hapless victim to her feminine wiles?

I do wonder, is it really comforting to a MIL to convince herself it’s all his wife’s fault, rather than to be proud of the fact that she raised a man strong enough to make his own choices, and be glad of that?

As for me, I’m contemplating lead lined underwear. Wouldn’t want my Hocus Pocus Hoo Ha to enslave an unsuspecting male, just by wandering by in the grocery store.

After all, with great power comes great responsibility.

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Hocus Pocus Hoo Ha — 3 Comments

  1. Lol well written! My MIL loved to play this card but so did FIL. My ex was so upset by these claims that he turned himself into a clone of them to defer these claims and treated me like a puritan treats a witch. I finally divorced him after getting tired of being the scapegoat whenever he dared to have an independent thought. Parents who don’t want their adult children to grow up and become independent adults are pathetic.

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