You Want To What?!

“You want to what?!” I asked Wolf in horror.

Apparently, my husband hates me.

Or wants a divorce.

Or has a death wish.

Or all of the above.

He came up to me, grinning like a maniac, eyes sparkling, and said, “Hey, Honey! How about we leave all the comforts of home, take all the gear needed for five kids, and go sleep in a nylon sack nailed to the ground? You could try to keep them all alive with none of the usual fancy things, like electricity, walls, or plumbing! Doesn’t that sound great?”

Ok, so what he actually said was, “Hey, Honey! Should we take the kids camping this summer?”

Sure, I'll spend the weekend here, with 5 kids. NOT!

Sure, I’ll spend the weekend here, with 5 kids. NOT!

If the Look Of Death didn’t actually singe his nose hairs, it was a close thing.

I’m not the outdoors type. I like walls. I like a roof. I like plumbing. The idea of hanging my butt over a log to pee is not appealing. My idea of ‘roughing it’ is a hotel where room service quits ten minutes before I get the munchies.

And seriously, we have two children under the age of three. We’d need to rent a trailer just for the baby gear for the weekend. Add in a vat of sunscreen, another of bug spray, and oh, gee, gear for everyone else, and I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Terror Toddler, camping. The mind reels. We’d need to tie a rope to the child’s ankle, and the other end to a tree, just to ensure that he didn’t end up like Tarzan. Except, of course, we’re in Canada, so he’d be raised by bears. Or eaten. Then again, knowing Terror Toddler, he’d probably take over. Poor bears wouldn’t have a chance.

And Cubby, the barely one year old. I struggle enough keeping him from putting inedible objects in his mouth at home. I can’t begin to imagine what I might find in his diapers after a camping trip. Wolf assures me that bugs are protein and edible, but I’m a bit too much of a helicopter parent in that regard, and prefer that my kids eat food that doesn’t wiggle on the way down. Picky, picky me.

Trying to imagine Diva (15), Tazzie (9) and Princess (7) in a tent. I suspect that Terror Toddler wouldn’t be the only one tied to a tree, but knowing the girls, Tazzie would probably be upside down. And duct taped.

Then again, camping would get Diva away from the laptop. Fresh air, vitamin D for everyone. And roasted marshmallows. S’mores. The scent of wood smoke.

Babies who already don’t sleep through the night howling in a tent.

Yeah, no. I’m staying put. We have a portable fire-pit for the back yard, I can roast marshmallows there.

I think sending Wolf off into the woods with the older three Minions would be a wonderful idea, though.

If nothing else, it would cure him of suggesting camping again for another couple of years.

 

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Comments

You Want To What?! — 7 Comments

  1. No help from me on this one because I am a CAMPER! I love it! But that said I do not camp where there is no electricity and water. And I do have to have a bathhouse with showers. I also do not camp unless the temperature will be cool enough at night to sleep with just a fan. I will camp in the winter but with a small heater. So none of that primitive stuff for me. A tent, a fan(for air movement and noise coverage) and an air mattress of good quality. So maybe we aren’t talking about the same thing. I can not imagine taking the kids camping with no water and electric, that’s just asking for disaster although my son did that two years ago with his boys, 7 and 9 yrs old. They backpacked and camped for three days in the wilderness. Nope not for me.
    We owned a 27 foot camper trailer for a few years and decided that it was not real camping and it was too much maintenance and cost to pull so we sold it and bought a nicer tent and mattress. We are good to go now but the weather is too hot. This fall we will go somewhere.

    • Yeah, see Wolf’s *real* idea of camping is, “Hang your butt over a log to potty” kind of camping. He thinks that going to an actual campground, rather than hiking and portaging and wiping with leaves is a compromise. *shudder* He knows that style of camping wouldn’t work for kids, hence the ‘compromise’.

      Me, I’ll stay home.

  2. I found your blog from your post about 10 things not to ask large family. I have five kids ages almost 5 almost 4 almost 3 just turned two and six months old and we just went camping for a week and in Glacier. It was crazy but really not as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone else thought we were insane but we just really wanted to see glacier and couldn’t afford the fancy hotels so you do what you got to do. We probably want a battery powered white noise machine for sleeping and a Kindle with DVDs on it for containment. Ahh joys of large families we got lots of stares.

    • Hey Patty! Glad you found your way here from the post!

      You’re a far braver woman than I. The idea of all the kids in a tent is enough to make me crawl under my desk and refuse to come out. Ever.

  3. I’ve heard all the variations on those remarks. I have four, but I started hearing the “boy, you have your hands full” comments when I had my 3rd. Three in three years isn’t something I recommend for everyone, but we managed it. When my childless friends comment that I’m a great birth control reminder, I just point out that drama aside, I like my children more than I like anyone else on the planet.

    • Your kids are very lucky. Every child should have a parent that feels that way about them. Granted, not every waking moment of every day, b/c I’m neither a liar, Saint, or insane, but overall.

  4. Pingback: Monkey Issues | Not A Stepford LifeNot A Stepford Life

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