I Don’t Do Rodents

i dont do rodents

There’s something living in the basement.

And it’s not anything I’ve married or birthed.

Something…critterish. Rodentlike. Not invited, not wanted.

For those who may not know, I loathe rodents. I don’t care if it’s mice, rats, gerbils, hamsters. DEATH TO ALL!

Especially if they’re running loose in the basement.

Seriously, my kids aren’t even allowed rodent pets. Just…no. No, no, no, no, no.

And NO.

I know folks that swear that rats make awesome pets. And that’s great. For their house. And, as much as I love and adore and completely fangirl over The Bloggess, I would completely run shrieking if someone sent me a taxidermied rodent. I don’t care what outfit its wearing.

I discovered in science class in college, I don’t even handle freeze-dried, already dissected and labelled rats well. Noooope.

I don’t care if they’re alive or dead, rodents freak me right the heck out.

Frankly, if I don’t have a phobia, it’s dang close. I literally shake, shriek, and want to throw up when something scurries by.

So.

Wolf, who works from the basement, as his escape from the Minion chaos, announces that he needs to get some traps. He’s hearing ‘scrabbling’. And not as in, playing Scrabble, either.

‘I’ll pick up some mouse traps.” he says.

“Do you think they’ll be big enough?” I ask, because I’m the one that discovered the hole in the basement, and it seems, well, a bit LARGE for a mere mouse. “You may discover a paw in the trap.”

He thinks about this, and nods, slowly. “I’ll see if they have bigger traps.”

“Remember the rules!” I remind him.

“I know, I know,” he says, tiredly. “Dispose of it down stairs.”

“Yes. No carrying it through the house. No, “Hey, come see this!” Just bag it and get rid of it.”

“Yes Dear”

“And if there’s any squealing or shrieking, YOU get to take care of it.”

“You know…for someone that’s all gung-ho for moving to an acreage, you seem to only look at the good things.”

“Hey! I don’t do rodents. Everyone knows that.”

“So, you’re good with moving to an acreage, as long as you don’t deal with rodents.”

“Absolutely. That’s what I have a husband for. And kids.”

Geez, does the man think I don’t consider this stuff?

UPDATE

Yes, already.

I looked at Wolf, “You realize, if it’s in the basement it can get upstairs?!”

“Unless it runs up the leg of your pajamas, you’re fine.” he assured me.

“I AM NEVER TAKING MY FOOTIE JAMMIES OFF. EVER!”

“I suppose I shouldn’t tell you about the cabin I slept in…”

“SHUSH!”

“…where the mouse ran across our sleeping bags at night…”

“I SAID SHUSH!”

“…Or that big…”

“SHUT UP!”

He sat there, smirking at me, and opened his mouth again.

“SHUT. UP.”

“But–”

“NOT. ONE. WORD.”

“It was about a dead–”

“ONE MORE WORD, AND I’M DIVORCING YOU!”

And he laughed. The man laughed at me.

See how funny he thinks he is when the next time he’s in the basement, I barricade the door and refuse to let him up.

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Comments

I Don’t Do Rodents — 12 Comments

  1. I had to deal with squirrels in the attic one winter. I like squirrels, but only outside. Inside they could chew through wires and walls and wreak all sorts of havoc. I didn’t bother with mousetraps. I got those big heavy rat traps–basically oversized mousetraps, but because they’re heavier they’re harder to set, and will go off if you look at them the wrong way. They were lethal…or so I thought.

    I should probably stop now because the story of having to finish the job will probably freak you out even if you don’t put squirrels in the same category as other rodents.

    • You and Wolf seem to have the same sense of humour.

      Thank GOD Wolf isn’t online. I don’t need him getting more ideas.

      And squirrels are just rats with fuzzy tails.

  2. I don’t do rodents either. We had a mouse about two years ago and I didn’t sleep right for two nights until the traps got caught it. My husband wanted to get the humane traps and I told him that if he did that he and the mouse could go get a house together. Needless to say the real traps won out, did its job and that was the end of that story!

  3. I laughed so hard! This was great. I am JUST like you with rodents. Just because they have fluffy hair does not make them pet material!
    We had two rats in our wall 🙁 The sound was horrible, and they would even fight!! It took us almost a week to trap them. I still have nightmares…

  4. Detest mice! As a kid, my brother chased me around the house with the mouse traps filled with dead ones. EEEEEEH!

    One evening, I heard the mice getting caught in the sticky traps. My warped sense of humor started singing….3 blind mice, 3 blind mice, they’re not having, they can’t even run. I waited for the traps to be emptied later. Having a child place their “cute” hamster at my shoulder level and tap me on the shoulder to look….yep, they’ve got my number. LOL

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