From time to time, life gets hard. It does for everyone.
For some folks, myself included, there’s an element of depression that comes into play.
Depression is a tricky beast. It’s not the same for everyone, and can mean so many different things to different people.
For me, depression is like falling down a dark well.
As the days go by, the deeper and further I sink, and the darker things around me appear.
Some of it is just being battle weary. Life can be exhausting, no matter who you are. For me, chronic pain absolutely plays a massive role. It’s hard to battle depression when chronic pain is forever a monkey on your back, and there’s just no escape. You’re left physically and emotionally drained by its constant presence.
Some would even hazard that for folks of ‘the creative bent’ that depression seems to be the flip side of the coin. The highs of creation, be it music, art, or writing comes with it the lows of nothingness.
And that’s where I’ve been lately, just struggling with trying not to sink into that well.
i want to say that I’m ok, but that’s not true, is it? I think the truth is more, “I will be ok.” and I will. I’ve been down this well before, and I know that I’ll climb out again.
Frankly, chronic pain is a bitch. Not only does it rob me of my physical abilities, but robs me emotionally as well.
And I resent the crispy crap out of it.
Which then turns me to being angry at myself, which leads to getting depressed because there’s nothing I can do to change it.
Round and round and round we go.
I’m actually lucky, in that this isn’t a daily battle I wage, the depression aspect. It comes up now and again, sometimes harder, some times easier.
Folks always seem somewhat surprised when they realize that I struggle with it. I’m always surprised that they are. I guess when it’s you, you assume that it’s obvious to everyone, like a huge neon sign hovering over you, screaming, DEPRESSED! DEPRESSED! DEPRESSED! But that’s the thing with it, isn’t it? That it isn’t obvious. That it’s sneaky, and subtle, and people worry so much about how others might think about them, what others opinions are, that they will hide everything they can, until they can’t. Just like living with chronic pain, really. Hide, hide, hide, until you can’t.
I’m fortunate. For me, my depression isn’t completely debilitating. I’m still able to push and get what needs to be done, done. Kids are still happy and thriving, their needs are still being met.
I just wish I could have a couple of days, pain-free. But then I wonder, would that just make things harder, when the pain comes rushing back? When my ‘normal’ kicks back in? Is it better to just have things as they are?
I don’t know.
I do know that I’m doing my best to get out of this well.
So, if my posts are a bit spread out, be patient.
The well is dark, and it’s deep, and I’m climbing one-armed.