You and I must have a chat, Fat Boy. Because I’ve been listening to the Middle Minions lately, and I’m a bit afraid. I know they’re working on their lists to you, and have been since about August. But, Santa, Dear…there are things on that list that aren’t Mom approved.
And if they show up in my house Christmas morning, you and I are going to have a serious issue.
1) Electronics. I know, that’s a wide category, but that’s the line I’ve drawn. If there’s a screen, or batteries involved, I DON’T WANT IT IN THE HOUSE. The Minions have more than enough electronic addictions, they don’t need more. I don’t need them having more, because frankly, it’s just one more thing for them to beg for, get distracted by, and nag them about. I don’t need the hassle. And, as far as I can figure out, anything battery operated, I end up rebuying the damn thing at least eighteen times a year, in battery replacements.
2) Musical instruments. I have five kids at home, Santa. You know this. I do not need extra noise. I did consider relenting both on the musical instrument category and the electronic one, to allow a keyboard, because headphones are an option, but unless EACH Minion gets a keyboard of their own? Squabbling. And since Christmas is meant to be Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Man, that’s not very Christmassy is it? No, it is not. And, I *know* that Tazzie’s been asking for a drum set. His dad and I then explained that unless we had a separate outbuilding to put him and the drums in, it wasn’t going to happen. He then turned around the next day, and announced he wanted bagpipes. BAGPIPES, Santa. Seriously. Now, I personally believe that the only reason he wants bagpipes is to make the drums seem like a GOOD option, but this aint my first rodeo. And, while we’re at it? I don’t EVER want to find a recorder in my house. They sound like the wailing of the damned, Santa. I’ve seriously been driven out of my house, to stand shivering in the snow, by the wail of recorders, squeaking and shrieking. Even when they’re played properly (cause apparently they CAN be, although my children have never proven that) they give me the freaking willies, Santa. So, don’t do it.
3) Anything with ‘sand’ in the name. Wolf bought Diva Moon Sand years ago. We’ve moved three times since then, and I swear, I’m STILL finding that crap around. Same goes with glitter, the herpes of the craft world. No sand, no glitter.
4) Anything that poops. I have two babies still in diapers. I do not need anything that poops being added to my house. This means, no puppies, kittens, living creatures of any kind. It also means none of those creepy dolls that poop charms, nor those toys that poop candy. I don’t want anything in my house that has things emerging from an anus. it’s gross, it’s disgusting, and I don’t need to be giving either toddler confusing ideas about what butts are about, ok? No pooping anything.
5) Just in case Wolf decides to add, or give helpful suggestions to the Minions, no motorized anything, either. I’m talking snowmoblies, dirt bikes, or anything else that could result in high-powered, high-speed, death and destruction. My kids are perfectly capable of damaging themselves without adding horsepower to the mix.
6) NO KATANAS. I don’t care how good she’s been this year, how much she begs and whines, DO NOT BRING DIVA A KATANA. In fact, let’s just say, ‘no weaponry of any kind’. Not even a pointed stick, ok?
I don’t think I’m at all unreasonable here, Santa. So, I’d appreciate your cooperation in this.
I’d also like to remind you that I have Jingles, one of your creepy army of Elves, hanging around and spying on my house. I may not be able to get ahold of YOU on the 25th, but I know where he hangs out. Jingles will pay, Santa.
So, let’s all have a Merry Christmas, and no elves will end up in a blender, ok? Cause this is what happens when I’m in a good mood, Santa. You don’t want to see me angry, Santa. You really don’t.