Dear Jon Bon Jovi

We've considered making him wear the horns permanently, as a warning to the public

We’ve considered making him wear the horns permanently, as a warning to the public

Dear Mr. Bongiovi,

Jon, (can I call you Jon? Yes, I know technically, it’s ‘John’, but going with the stage name. And, it’s politer than, ‘Object of Lust For Over 20 Years’. Trust me.) I just want you to know, you’re taking over my home. My life. It’s worse than when I was a teenager, and Slippery When Wet hit the charts. I thought I was a fan then, rocking out in my acid wash stretch jeans, crop top, and glued to the music video shows.

Watching those videos now, I still feel the burn of Aqua Net in my nose. Just sayin’.

Anyways. It’s not me this time, Jon. I’m not the one driving the tour bus this time.

It’s my two-year old.

Being decent parents, we consider music education a part of our homeschooling regime. At least, that’s what we call it when Wolf or I take over the computer, and start playing videos on YouTube. Our children have been soundly indoctrinated into the wonders that are Queen, 80s one hit wonders…and Bon Jovi. We congratulated ourselves on brainwashing…errr…influencing the kids musical tastes.

What we weren’t counting on is the youngest child, ‘Cubby’ becoming addicted to you.

I don’t know if I can claim him as your youngest fan, but he may be the most demanding.

From the moment he wakes up, he’s asking, “Zik? Zik?” which is Cubby speak for ‘Music?’

Problem is, Jon, this kid doesn’t sleep through the night. He was asking for ‘zik’ at 4am today. And again at 430.

By the time 6am rolled around, we gave in.

“What do you want, Cubby?”

“Ooo ya.”

Yep. Every morning, for the last several weeks, the sounds of ‘Ooo ya’ greet me before I can even get a coffee.

Oh, you don’t know what ‘Ooo ya’ is? His eldest sister didn’t either, and put on something else, and the melt down was epic. She knows now, Jon. We ALL KNOW NOW, Jon.

Here ya go:

Yep. Your rendition of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah. Which, I freely admit, is glorious, wonderful, and I love it.

But every morning for weeks, Jon. With no signs of stopping.

When my friends and I joked (as teens, mind you. We’re all mature women now, and don’t lust after strangers. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not us. But, I gotta tell you, that pic of you wearing what looks like a table-cloth, and nothing else? *fans self frantically*) about waking up to you in the morning, this is not what I had in mind. At all.

Once he’s gotten his fill of Hallelujah, (at least eight repeats) he’s willing to move on. He vastly prefers your fast paced songs to ballads.

And he tries to sing along. There’s something a little…well…not quite right about a two-year old attempting to sing along with “You Give Love A Bad Name”. He’s also learning the words to, ‘We Weren’t Born To Follow’  It’s a good thing we homeschool, Jon. Try explaining to a kindergarten teacher why your kid is running around singing, ‘You’re an all night generator, wrapped in stockings and a dress…” There’s just no way to make that sound reasonable.

Two year olds are supposed to be singing nursery rhymes, aren’t they? Itsy Bitsy Spider? Wheels on the Bus? Not my kid. He knows good ‘zik’ when he hears it, and he’s not going to settle for any baby crap.

Frankly, between you and me? I got off lucky, Jon. He could’ve become addicted to some of his Dad’s 80s heavy metal, and there’s no way I’d survive listening to that first thing in the morning.

I was relieved to hear you’re releasing a new album soon. There’s a toddler addict on the East Coast of Canada that needs more ‘zik’.

Sincerely,

Mother of a Toddler with great music taste.

PS: If you want to autograph one of those ‘tablecloth’ pictures, and send it to me, that would be ok. You know, for science.

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Comments

Dear Jon Bon Jovi — 3 Comments

    • The idea of him dating scares me. Not in the, ‘some evil woman is going to steal my boy’ way, but in the, ‘he’s his Dad’s clone, and heaven help the women’ way.

  1. Love this! Sounds like my kids with Garth Brooks and my three year old wanting The Thunder Rolls on all the time. Thank you for the story I needed this!!!!

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