Ask An Imp: Being Canadian

A new feature on the blog, ‘Ask An Imp’. Readers are invited to ask whatever they like, be it about me, for advice, blah blah blah.

I’ll choose from what I get, and put the answers on the blog as the questions roll in.

So, as an introductory post, today’s Ask An Imp is about being Canadian.

Here I go, shattering myths again.

First of all, Canadians are NOT all born wearing ice skates. In fact, the simple logistics of that thought makes me want to cry.

Responsible Canadian parents wait until the child is able to hold their head up, unassisted, while wearing a helmet, before strapping on skates.

You’d think that would explain our Olympic hockey successes, but the reality of that is we have breeding farms located in various areas through out the country for our frozen athletes. None in Ontario though. Apparently the close proximity of the Toronto Maple Leafs seems to suck all the talent out of any attempts in that area. Nobody’s sure where it all goes, since the Leafs haven’t been successful in reaching the Stanley Cup since before I was born. It’s a thing whispered about in the dark of night, the Boogeyman that Canadians threaten their children with, the Toronto Triangle. It’s like the Bermuda Triangle, but instead of ships and planes, causes the will to win and innate hockey talent to vanish.

Yes, we have Thanksgiving in October. Frankly, I think it’s a far more manageable and humane arrangement. Gives you a good six weeks between major family gatherings, big dinners, and general all around stress and chaos.

Some of us need that recovery time. It’s how we stay relatively sane, sober, and out of jail.

Yes, we have all four seasons. I’m talking weather here folks, not preseason NHL, regular season NHL, play off season NHL and CFL. Granted, in some areas, spring and summer combined may only actually add up to ten days or so, but dang it, we HAVE those ten days!

No, polar bears do not roam our streets. We keep ’em in the basement, like civilized folks.

Yes, we have universal health care. Yes, we’re still a democracy.

Yes, we’re pretty serious about our coffee. I haven’t been able to confirm it, but I think swearing allegiance to Timmies is in our Citizenship Oath for new Canadians. And if it’s not, it darn well should be.

No, I’m not a normal Canadian. I’m not a normal ANYTHING.

And the world is grateful for that, I’ve no doubt.

Have a question for me?
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Ask An Imp: Being Canadian — 5 Comments

  1. That's because you're just showing off, SarahJ. How very unCanadian of you 😛

    I prefer the deer and brown bears for the backyard. The polar bear in the basement is tradition, dang it!

  2. The real questions are:

    Do you say “eh” all the time?

    Do you like maple syrup as much as the rest of the world thinks you do?

    Polar bears do not wander yours streets. Fine. What about moose?

    Poutine. Why?

    What's with all the politeness and humility? Not from YOU (clearly), but Canadians in general?

    What's with the official languages? Pick one! Is French mandatory in school for places where they don't speak French?

    Are all politicians as irreverent as Tom Ford? Can he come teach some American politicians to chill out? Not that I'm down with smoking crack, but he seems pretty chill. I think we need some of that.

  3. Lets see:
    1) No.
    2) I actually prefer the fake syrup, myself. But, there was apparently a maple syrup hijacking, so I'm guessing some folks REALLY like it.
    3) Yup, in some places. Haven't seen it myself yet.
    4) Because french fries, gravy, and cheese curds are YUMMY, dang it.
    5) Iron hand in a velvet glove, baby.
    6) Yes, French is mandatory in public elementary schools. Some offer an alternative for a second language requirement, but that's really dependant upon where you are. 2nd language requirement is, afiak, a mandatory thing in all ps.
    6)…Uh, it's ROB Ford. Not Tom. And another reason I'm glad I'm not a Toronto resident. He skeers me.

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